No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Jerry, you need to find god
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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