I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
