I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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