She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
It's never too late to be topless.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
