On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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