I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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