turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
