i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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