He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Houston, we have a blender
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
