my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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