The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
