I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
