I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
