I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
