she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
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