I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
