I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
bring money and cleavage
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
