I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
