WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
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