How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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