Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
