Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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