He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
