I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
