And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
