your thong is hanging out like whoa
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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