hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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