i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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