For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
