She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
