Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
