Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
