you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
