Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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