I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
