That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
