if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
