oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
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By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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