You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
how does that bad decision feel?
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