I CAN MOONWALK!
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
sex in a hospital.. check
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
