Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
me + whiskey = a bad person
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
