last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
