Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
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