my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
