You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
My dick has a subreddit
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
