Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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