I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
