just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
