Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
