The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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