Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
