Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Randomize
