Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Randomize
