Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Randomize
