I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
